Goldie’s Shower Thoughts

New shower thoughts added often. Check back regularly.

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #144
Having a relationship with someone is, more often than not, a surefire way to get someone who likes you to hate you. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #143
What if the white light we see in near death is another hospital room where we are born into a new life. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #142
Sucking on hard candy is just swallowing flavored saliva.. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #141
When I was young I spent a lot of my time trying to figure out how to hide my boners. Now I spend my time trying to figure out how to get boners. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #140
I have never “hopped” in the shower. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #139
‘Baby wipes’ is still an accurate name even when you use them to clean up after sex. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #138
Getting suspended for missing school is like being given permission to miss more school. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #137
Why do we call people acting wimpy pussies when a vagina can take a regular beating and push out an entire child, whereas testicles can barely be touched without excruciating pain? -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #136
Ice Cube spent the first half of this career saying, “Fuck tha Police” and the second half acting in movies and TV shows as a police officer. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #135
After I poop, I do up my belt before I wash my hands. I have never washed my belt. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #134
I wonder what my handshake feels like. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #133
If I was a billionaire I wouldn’t buy strippers or hookers. I’d pay normal girls to become strippers and hookers for the night. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #132
Seeing a policeman makes me feel more nervous than safe. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #131
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think “Oh shit, a cop!”? -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #130
If you have one or two tattoos visible, everyone wants to see them. If you have many, they go mostly ignored. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #129
Someone should make a pregnancy test app to trick people into peeing on their phone. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #128
You nod up if you know the person, you nod down if you don’t.. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #127
When David Bowie died, I learned more about him in those past 24 hours, than I have in my whole life.. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #126
A bachelor party is more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #125
You don’t realize how little deodorant you actually need until you are almost done with it. -Goldie DeW

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #124
I really like donuts more than anyone could ever image. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #123
You really don’t buy prostitutes, you rent them. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #122
A golden shower sounds really exotic if you don’t know what it is. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #121
Yelling “Fuck” during sex is like yelling “Hockey” while playing a game of hockey. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #120
If the Chargers and Rams move into a stadium together, it should be sponsored by Dodge…. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #119
If my birthday was 1 month later on June 25, I would get presents every 6 months. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #118
I wish i could just like a text so i didn’t have to respond. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #117
If I die and my life flashes before my eyes a good portion of it will be me looking at butts and reaching for my phone to check facebook. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #116
Money is the lubricant of society. It isn’t always necessary but it sure makes things easier a lot of the time. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #114
If I was a Adult Porn Star, I would have went by the name “Magic Johnson”. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #113
People who cook at home try to make their food taste like a professional made it, while restaurant chefs try to make their food taste homemade. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #112
I would totally buy a toilet seat with a scale in it so I could see how much weight I lost every time I pooped. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #111
As I get older I realize my holiday wishlist is shorter and the things I want can’t be bought with money. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #110
The superstition that walking under ladders is bad luck was probably started by guys who didn’t want to get knocked off their ladders. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #109
When I was younger I wished I was older and had money and now that I’m older I wish I was younger and didn’t have to worry about money. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #108
We live in an age where parents give their children video games to distract them so the parent can have time to play on their cellphones. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #107
Is it gay to fuck your own clone or does it fall under masturbation? -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #106
Every Zoo Is A Petting Zoo Unless You’re A Little Bitch. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #105
I wonder if rednecks driving trucks with the bumper sticker “Big Ass Boys with Big Ass Toys” have ever googled that phrase. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #104
Churches are essentially large scale book clubs stuck on the same book for years. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #103
Listening to Christmas music after Christmas is like watching porn after you’ve finished masturbating. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #102
“You saved my life” should actually be said as “You postponed my death”. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #101
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #100
It’s harder for kids to buy a “Rated M” video game than to get access to porn. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #99
If you are religious, you have to assume other religions are wrong. But if they’re wrong, that means it’s possible for a man to create something so complex in its details that it can trick a billion people into believing it to be true. How do you know you’re not one of them. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #98
Santa Claus should return a week after Christmas so kids can return the gifts they don’t want, to save the parents a trip to the mall. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #97
Sometimes I think guy bathrooms have urinals just to reassure guys they picked the right one. -Goldie Dewitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #96
Still 364 days until Christmas and some people already have their lights up. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #95
For blind people, the invention of the television was a racist form of entertainment. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #94
I’ve never met anyone who joined a religion because someone came to their door one day. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #93
If gym equipment was invisible, gyms would look like silent raves. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #92
People who are constipated are really saying, “they not putting up with any shit today”. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #91
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to loosing a balloon. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #90
Getting married at 21 is like leaving the party at 9:15 pm. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #89
Only 366 more days until Christmas. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #88
Throwing up and throwing down are two entirely different things. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #87
I remember getting very upset when I rented a VHS tape and the person before me didn’t rewind it. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #86
A Fat Pussy is tasty thought for most men, but then again it’s also a term used for a guy who can’t fight. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #85
The true meaning of “zero fucks given” is VIRGIN if you ask me.-Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #83
This time of the year is perfect for masturbating. If any of your loved ones ask why your door is locked, you can just say you were wrapping gifts. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #82
READ THE IMAGE. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #80
The difference between ‘a Mexican’ and an ‘American’ is one letter. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #79
Paying with my plastic debit card leaves a “paper trail,” but paying with paper currency (cash) does not. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #78
(6 x 9) + (6 + 9) = 69 -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #77
The buttons on men and women’s clothing are opposite so that if you do the buttons on someone of the opposite genders clothing, it is the same way as your own. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #76
Life is essentially a game where you try to get as many people as possible to attend your funeral. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #75
Most old people drive like they have all the time left in the world and most young people drive like it’s their last day on Earth. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #74
If every person on earth was required to spend one work day a year naked we would all workout more. . -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #73
Why have I never seen squirrel shit? -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #72
It’s going to be so easy to turn a 5 into a 6 for the first few months of 2016. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #71
I used to think setting a passcode was to keep strangers out of your phone, but really it’s to keep your friends out. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #70
If marijuana and prostitution both become legal across the US, I could open a combination fueling station, brothel, and dispensary called “The Gas, Ass, and Grass Station”. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #69
If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #68
I think most of my shower thoughts are actually thought of on the toilet. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #67
If two people blink at exactly the same time without the other noticing, a staring contest could last forever. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #66
Getting married is like looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #65
I spend more time fixing my auto correct than I do actually writing a text message. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #64
I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used the phrase “Thanks for coming”. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #63
If Hillary Clinton becomes the president, it’s gonna be the 1st time we would have a president who had sex with another president. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #62
“Don’t kid yourself” should be a slogan for birth control pills. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #61
A keyring is a ring invented so you can lose all your keys at the same time. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #60
Technology didn’t make our society shittier, it just exposed all the shitty things in our society. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #59
One day your parents put you down, and never picked you back up. . -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #58
If Kanye West became President, the First Lady would be the first lady you could find on pornhub. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #57
My bed is always uncomfortable when I need to slleep but comfortable when I need to get up. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #56
It would suck if you were bisexual and the man of your dreams married the woman of your dreams. -Goldie DeWiit

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #55
Fat and slim mean the same thing when it comes to chances. -Goldie DeWiit

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #54
Fat women are considered unattractive, but the fattest parts of women are considered the most attractive. -Goldie DeWiit

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #53
Lucky rabbit’s feet come from unlucky rabbits.. -Goldie DeWiit

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #52
While asleep, our brains are capable of assembling complex narratives set in fantastical worlds; populating them with beings and structures, all perfectly animated and rendered… While awake, we’re lucky if we can draw a decent stick figure. -Goldie DeWiit

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #51
When you see an empty roll of toilet paper, someone either made a compromise or got really lucky. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #50
Vapers are like the vegans of the smoker community. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #49
Saying “amen” at the end of a prayer is like pressing the send button on an email to God. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #48
Amazon should have an option to donate to charity so I can still get free shipping without having to buy something extra I don’t need. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #47
A lot of people think that they have money problems, when what they really have is a lifestyle problem. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #46
Farting when you have an upset stomach is like playing Russian Roulette. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #45
It took me 21 years to consciously realize that the people speeding through disclaimers at the ends of commercials are actually recorded speaking normally and then sped up, not superhumans hired for their ability to talk impossibly fast. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #44
Is the “C” or the “S” silent in the word SCENT? -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #43
Eyelashes are the most counterintuitive body part ever. They’re supposed to keep shit out of our eyes, but 90% of the time when I have something in my eye, it’s a fucking eyelash. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #42
I wonder how many dollar bills I’ve had that once belonged to a stripper. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #41
Free WiFi would probably be more helpful at a sperm bank than a magazine. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #40
20 years ago people used to be jealous of someone with a car phone, now people despise drivers on the phone. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #39
Birthday parties are celebrations for not dying that year. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #38
People who work at mall kiosks are like real life pop-up ads. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #37
There will come a day when you will kiss your partner for the very last time, and chances are, you won’t even know it. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #36
Wearing a “Fuck the police” shirt as a cop is like wearing a “Kiss the cook” shirt as a chef. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #35
Your mom has seen your butt hole way more times than you have. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #34
If our butt cheeks were one on top of the other instead of side by side, then our ass would clap whenever we ran up or down stairs. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #33
At some point in my life I’ve probably had a totally normal conversation with someone who was using an anal plug at the time. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #32
If I downgraded my phone to a basic flip phone, I’d probably start getting a decent amount of sleep and get distracted less often. – Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #31
I miss being able to sit up without making sound effects. – Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #30
Somewhere there’s actually a gay couple called Adam & Steve. – Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #29
You could show me a picture of a missing teen this morning and I could see her this afternoon with no idea she’s the missing girl. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #28
If the perfect girl is one in a million, then there’s 38 of them in California. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #27
Every time I hear someone say “Only God can judge me”, I imagine God saying “This guy is such an asshole”. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #26
If you replace the “W” in Where, When and What with a “T”, you end up answering the question. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #25
Debate moderators should have a button making them able to shut off peoples microphones when they don’t follow the rules. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #24
A vagina and a computer are very similar; neither come with instructions, you learn how to work them by getting tips from your friends, they are prone to viruses, need regular maintenance to keep them working right, and they both respond to rapid finger action. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #23
In weddings the wife throw her bouquet to see who’s the next getting married….It would be fun if we throw the wreath at funerals to see who’s the next to die… -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #22
Whenever I see a married couple with 3 girls, I feel sorry for the youngest because you know her parents were trying one more time for a boy. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #21
It’s not premarital sex if you never get married. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #20
It’s weird how I can fall a sleep more easily in a hot car rather than in my bed at home. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #19
Anyone could die at any point because of any reason so there has probably been some point in your life where a simple decision has saved your life. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #18
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn’t need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don’t need to look at our mobile phones. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #17
What if when we die the light at the end of the tunnel is just us being pushed out of another vagina. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #16
If you a White chick with a flat booty, I’m sorry but you’re out dated. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #15
Since doggy style is used by animals ranging from mice to elephants, it really should be called “Beast Mode”. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #14
A smoke detector will get your attention in one of two instances: when it’s about to die or when you’re about to die. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #13
Attention Men, Always bring the banana to your mouth, never bring your mouth to the banana. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #12
Romantically speaking, we shouldn’t want to find someone to grow old with, we should want to find someone to stay young with. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #11
“The primary motivator for taking showers… Is definitely just in case you get to have sex in the next 24hrs.” -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #10
Why do “balls” equate to toughness and “pussy” equates to weakness when even the slightest flick to the balls sends a guy to his knees and the pussy was designed to take a beating? -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #7
The more interracial sex we have, the less interracial sex we can have. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #6
Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal. -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #5
If I was invisible, the first thing I would do is publicly beat up a mime! -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #3
I want to start a major software company called “Orange,” just so when I get compared to Steve Jobs, I can say, “Woah, now. You’re just comparing Apples to Oranges, here.” -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #2
“Caregiver” and “caretaker” are the same thing, yet they sound like opposites.” -Goldie DeWitt

GOLDIE’S SHOWER THOUGHTS #1
No one has anyway of knowing when their birthday was except by trusting what others say. -Goldie DeWitt