My name is Goldie DeWitt and I’m gonna tell you something personal & funny. Last Wednesday I did something pretty fucking stupid! Stupid is what I defined it as now, but at the time I would say I was experimenting. Okay, promise you can’t tell anyone!!! I HATE hair on my body! I’m a smooth guy. I dont like hair on my Arms, Legs, Head, Chest, Underarms, Ass, & my Balls. (too much information?) Okay, so your saying what the fuck is this fool getting at? Okay, hold on I’m getting there, I just gotta paint the picture first. So, for those of you out there who shave, you know that shaving is something we all hate to do, but we gotta do it. I shave with some electric clippers most of the time, and some times I use my Mach3 razor. I wish I could just take a pill that stop hair growth just to make it easy. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not a hairy guy, I just don’t like hair. So, last Wednesday I had this bright idea that i would go to the super market and try something I figured would solve my problem and make shaving a thing of the past. I sat in that market reading the back of these fucking labels until I found the winner. I bought me some “Veet”. Veet is that hair removal lotion that you rub on and wipe or rise off. I bought the “Rapid Action” that works in 3 minutes! I read the back again when I got home: Apply a think layer of Veet completely over hair, leave in for 3 minutes and rise off. In bold it read DO NOT use near eyes, nose, moles, breast nipples, or genital areas. Sounds pretty simple. They even advise you to try it on a small part of your body first to check for possible skin irritation. So, I tested it on my right knee. I put a think layer of Veet on my knee, waited my three minutes, put my knee under the shower and bingo, the hair simply rinsed away! I was like hell yea. So, I said it’s on. I squeezed a huge glob of this shit in my hands and slapped it straight to my nutts! I figured when I rinse these bad boys, they would be smoother than the side of a titty! I waited my 3 minutes but while I was waiting I was reading more of the back label of the Veet bottle. It said if your first application doesn’t completely remove all the hair, to repeat the process but not to exceed a total of eight minutes. I figured fuck it, I would just let it stay on for the full 8 minutes to ensure the smoothness of my soon to be shinny nutts. I brushed my teeth, trimmed my beard and then it was time. I jumped into the shower and began rinsing my nutts. I was pretty pleased that the product was working as I watched the hair from my balls just rinse away, but wait, all of a sudden, it hit me, a slight tingle, a slight cold/hot burn, then fire as if a cat was scratching my nutts and the water was alcohol!!! My nutts were on fire and I broke down to my knees in the shower with my nutts locked in my fist trying to keep the water and the air from them. I couldn’t catch my breath, and the pain grew stronger and stronger and now I was scared and my nutts were screaming pain! I jumped out the shower and looked at myself butt naked in the mirror with my nutts locked in my hand looking helpless. Every time I tried to release my nutts, it hurt so bad from the air contact, so I just had to hold them and look at them and apologize saying “sorry balls, just hang in there”. But when I looked at them, I freaked out because my balls were fucking red!! I mean these mutherfuckers were RED, like real fucking HOT NUTTS! I thought I saw blood so I grabbed some tissue and damped my nutts with the tissue, but they were not bleeding, but it sure looked like it. I opened my drawer and I saw some hope! I grabbed a tube of Neosporin that was sitting there and it read for scrapes, cuts & burns; I felt like I had all this plus more. I carefully, gently, rubbed the Neosporin on my balls in hopes that this would help in any way. Hold on what’s next? My wife comes home and says “babe I’m home” from down stairs and I said “Okay”. I was in no way gonna say anything about this shit. This is too embarrassing to admit to. She would have joked about it, and I wasn’t in no laughing mode. I just hoped it would go away. I walked to the bed room with my nutts feeling like someone rubbed them raw with sand paper. I put on some of my smaller “crime fighter” under wear to keep my nutts tucked in place to avoid as much movement as possible. I walked down stairs and she was standing in the kitchen reading mail and I greeted her with a kiss and she looks at me and says “you okay, you like preoccupied”, I said “oh, no, I’m okay” lying my ass off. Well, it’s been just about 9 days, and my nutts are 100% back to normal, Thank God.
Once again, this is something I know I should have kept to myself, but if I could save a fellow nutt shaver with this bad experiment I performed on myself, it was worth it to share.
Yea, I did read the part where it said do not use on genital areas, but i figured they were speaking to females on not getting it inside their coochie. I figured my balls would be fine, I figured wrong!
Oh well, back to the clippers & the razor, but hey, no hair on my balls yet!
(This was a article I wrote that was published in 2005 in my printed publication 1DOWN Magazine.)
P.S. I hope I’m not the only one who ever did this?